As I listen to the echoes of my boots in the dim, empty streets, I think of how there is something that I love about the East Coast. California is a dream, but I have always fought to plant myself in reality. The harshness of the cold, the cling of the summer. All those pillars and red autumn leaves.
It always feels like there are two sides warring inside of me. There is the part of me that knows life is a gift, and that I am lucky to be alive, even if I did not choose it. Because life is beautiful, and because we only get to live it once, I want to make every day the very best it can be. I always try. The other part of me is more bleak. Why bother? Why try? What if nothing will ever satisfy me? (I am saying this according to my personal beliefs.) One of the greatest existentialist crises is that is that we did not choose to be born, and the necessity and process of defining our own meanings in life leaves us lost. I am lost.
That we can choose our own meaning of life is both liberating and debilitating. Life is what I shape it to be, but how do I know what I choose as my meaning will make me happy? How can I tell that it is the right, the best decision to make? My friend said to me: "It's called picking something, and not looking back."
True. But that doesn't make it any easier or make me any happier. It does nothing to quell the conflict of my insides, and each day is a battle.
As I wrote in my last post: everything I have achieved, I worked for it. Literally, my blood, sweat, and tears have gone into everything that I have done. And it makes it bigger, better, brighter, more real, that much sweeter - not easier.
But how could I ever forgive myself, if I did not try?
To borrow a line from the song the inimitable j. just posted: Oh it's not fun to be so blind To be so blind
I'm not really sure what incited this change. I thought it used to be pretty funny; it was one of the city's defining ads, both tongue-in-cheek yet sadly appropriate. But what is the Mona Lisa supposed to imply? Whether or not I'm the father is wonderfully and titillatingly ambiguous?
For some reason a lot of my favorite ads have been replaced this year, ineffective clichés like "Marriage works" or the bewildering "I'm not giving it up and I'm not giving in" with a hideous girl plastered on the image. A nearby church used to have an announcement board saying "Thou shalt not kill" but, sadly, they've changed it now to something less simultaneously provoking yet applicable.
Knowing that this is the last year, the last time for everything, lends everything overtones of cloying sweetness. This is the last fall, the last September, the last Monday, September 22 that I will ever experience in this place. And through this feeling I have become a little more in love with my school, more able to see the good as the bad takes a bad seat. This place has been good to me and has given me what I needed and for that I am endlessly grateful.
Lately I have been developing a sense of self-preservation. Whenever I am confronted by shadows of the past, past mistakes that hinder my present, the realization that everything I do and everything I have done have an irrevocable hold on my future makes me stop and think a little whenever I take action now. Why be good? Why try?
Because you will always have yourself, whether you like it not. You can't mistreat it and then avoid it, trying not to see the mess you made, because that mess is you.
The other day I was at a café (adorable place near campus, with gourmet chocolate truffles and Asian fusion cuisine and the most delicious tuna tartar) with a friend whose opinion I have the utmost respect for. We were discussing a passage from a book she's been reading from her politics of good and evil class. There will always be people that make you feel appreciative of the opportunities you've had, and people who have immeasurably more than you do. Yet it's not about what life gives us, which we cannot control, but what we do with it. Life is short and you never know what will happen, so all you can do is strive for the best and try to be the best person you can be, every day. And in this way we have no regrets, we find happiness.
The sky was beautiful the other day:
If you have ever really talked to me then you have probably been subjected to one of my obsessive discussions of what is the best for me and my future. Sometimes it makes me unhappy, everything I have done wrong, and what I may potentially do wrong，but I have never wished I tried less. Recently I've been under a lot of stress because of some significant decisions I've had to make, issues about my future that I needed to confront. But I've come to a conclusion and taken a breath, and looking at it all, I'm pretty happy. My life is kind of really sweet. I'm in a good place, and the fact that I worked for all of it makes it that much sweeter. It's mine, and because of everything that I have done- the world is pretty much my oyster.
One of the most important truisms in writing is to "write what you know." What do I spend the vast majority of my time doing? Watching TV.
My favorite kind of shows are ones that genuinely discuss issues (otherwise, I just feel like I'm wasting my time) but have some measure of frivolousness thrown in as a guilty pleasure. I'm not kidding when I say I watch a lot of TV. Shows that I have either viewed their entirety or am currently following include: The Office (UK & US versions) House Entourage Desperate Housewives Big Love - not always the best show, but I like it for its subject matter: LDS Mormons based in the outside world, which makes it easier to relate to but also provides insight into the fundamentalist Mormon lifestyle Scrubs Project Runway - just because I love clothes The Simpsons (reruns only) South Park Weeds Futurama Arrested Development Extras The Tudors American Dad! Secret Diary of a Call Girl Sex and the City Coupling (UK version) Seinfeld
Another show I follow is Gossip Girl, not because of its creative plot or subtle handling of social concerns (neither of which it possesses) but because everyone is really good looking (one of the prerequisites of visual entertainment) and wears fabulous clothes.
Firstly- our second attempt at a cover! (Or maybe first, considering how the first one panned out.) We filmed this at ungodly hours of the night, but I'd like to think we improved anyway; let us know how we did this time!
Jay Chou - Coral Sea (周杰伦 - 珊瑚海)
Secondly, one of our cuts where we proceeded to discuss...
j: Retard! j.: Do your... L goes like... urhkkkkkk... urrkkkkkh j.: Let's offend the nation! She's really good at it, it's ridiculous. ♡L: In person only! j.: We were on the BART, and we were in the senior & disabled section, and I was like, "Oh I feel bad, what if a senior or disabled person comes in?" and she was like, "Don't worry, I have a plan" and then she does- come here, come here... ♡L.: Never! Never! j.: This is good stuff! ♡L: In person only... j.: I love this chair. Do your impersonation. ♡L: In person only. I don't need like, the disabled organization tracking me down... j.: Well they can't, because... ♡L: ...beat me to death with a wheelchair. j.: ...we'll outrun them! ♡L: But they have those electronic wheelchairs! They can go like, ten miles an hour! j.: Well... ♡L: I can't go ten miles an hour. j.: ...we have the power of cars. Because we can see!
I'm an Olympics fanatic. Usually, I'll watch sports if I'm bored and it just happens to be on, but the Olympics are a different story. Winter or summer, I literally watch every single event broadcasted, from gymnastics and swimming to shot put, discus, and javelin. (The women look like men! It's fascinating.) There's something about the one-shot nature of competition that is inherently appealing. Coming in first in all of the trials is never a sure thing, and the only guarantee is that everyone wants to be first.
This year, of course, the Olympics hold a special significance to 华人 everywhere. International focus is brighter than ever on Beijing and a lot of Chinese people are protesting the nature of it. It is unfair to China to claim that the Western media is unbiased. China is often painted as an oppressive prison where force rules and desire is a foreign incentive. While not perfect, it's far from the crushing and ruthless inferno as is claimed. It can hardly even be deemed Communist.
Most of my Chinese international classmates want to return to China after graduation instead of remaining in America. (I say "most" because while I don't know any personally, I'm sure there are some who do.) China is rather far, actually, from being lowest-ranked on the list of countries with the poorest human rights, but that's how it's often depicted to be. (In fact, it was dropped from the US list of worst human rights offenders.) Where is the backlash against Pakistan? Egypt? Yugoslavia? Okay, so maybe it's due to China's tremendous growth and emerging development as a superpower, maybe because other countries are frightened, threatened, envious. Maybe this casts a flattering perspective on the pervasive negative criticisms surrounding China- like people hating on the new pretty girl in the room, gossip led by the former prettiest girl. Rationalization does not always equate reason.
An important distinction to be made is that while the Chinese government is not particularly kind to dissenters, this treatment doesn't apply to the majority of the population. The other billion Chinese people (not a statistic, I'm just rounding) are fine. They are satisfied- except for those who are impoverished. And fine, there are a LOT of poor people. But in which countries is life pleasurable for those who are living in poverty? How do you improve conditions for 1.3 billion people at a time?
To be fair, choosing to host the Olympics inevitably results in more press, favorable or not. Recently, however, I read two articles in the New York Times that give an impression of China rare in the Western media, and possibly the most accurate yet.
The State Requests that Citizen Liu Win Gold - This article focuses on Liu Xiang 刘翔 (who I am obsessed with possibly more than Khalil), but also illustrates China for what it means to the average person.
China is not Stalinist Russia. Liu will not be exiled to some gulag if he loses. Liu’s China is a mass of contradictions, a weird mix of Socialist sports schools and Starbucks. He is supposed to win for the glory of the Communist Party, and for his corporate sponsors, too. He is living with his coach in a dorm even though he makes eight figures. Pressure is everywhere; coherence is nowhere to be found.
Why China Has the Torch - A rare depiction of the everyday lives of the general population. It doesn't address issues like Tibet and political prisoners, but neither do these issues have a direct impact on the lives of the average Chinese citizen. Something to remember.
I am proud of the Chinese government because... it's not stupid, which is something to be noted when it comes to totalitarian governments. In its size, too, it is impressive that China has not descended into chaos and civil warfare. (One out of every five people in the world is mainland Chinese. It used to be one in four until population control was instated.) Generally speaking, it is not self-destructive. By the very nature of their mutualistic relationship, a government will never reach its full potential by disregarding the conditions of its citizens; the Chinese government works to ameliorate the welfare of the populace, and it is improving. Nothing is perfect, and objective achievements matter, but what wins commendations all on its own is sheer effort. China is proud, but it also wants to prove itself. To write off either of these actions as irrelevant is rejection of a foreign culture solely due to incompatibility and mob sentiment, an action both tragic and irresponsible in its speciousness.
Sorry we haven't updated for so long... but... to make up for it, here's a video we made a couple days ago, where we tried to do a cover of "Love Song" by Khalil Fong...
Probably going to regret posting this.
: were you sober ♡L: yes : omg : you girls are like : 3 years old
Thanks to everybody who wished me luck, gave me advice, and said nice things to me when it felt like my brain was leaking out of my ears. Especially messages that T. sent me saying things like, "Stand up to it... be a woman. You go, you see, you conquer," the email A. sent me which I probably read 50+ times the night before, and international text messages (I didn't know this was possible??). Thanks guys.
So last week, while I was on a break from the MCAT (like I am now, har har) j. and I met up in the evening. We went to this late night HK-style café that had really cheap and delicious (not being sarcastic) offerings like "Ice Cream Sunday" and "Mi Ni Ham Macaroni Soup."
"I love mussels!" Just say that out loud.
Mi Ni Macaroni Soup was delicious! Do people really eat this in Hong Kong?
Afterwards, we went to Q-Cup where we proceeded to terrify all of its patrons.
We were trying to be fobby... but it just...
Moon power!
Don't you just want to hang out with us? Like right now??
P.S. Why I love Weeds:
“Silas, look,” says Uncle Andy. They’re squatting in Andy’s foil-insulated drug van. “Life is just blah blah blah. You hope for blah and sometimes you find it. But mostly it’s blah. And waiting for blah. And hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then just when you think you’ve got the whole blah-damn thing figured out, and surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah. Blah. Blah.”
